Frustrations

I knew there would be drama during my senior year--that was a given--because what would make senior year so different than my other years of high school, except it is the last? What I hadn't anticipated was the huge extent of the drama. I mean, seriously? What gives? At this point I am so over all the high school drama. Just send me my acceptance letters and I am out of here, off to college, off to higher learning, off on my way to becoming an adult. Yet, it is only November. I still have another half of the year to go. Don't get me wrong, I love high school. I love the classes I am taking, the clubs I am involved in, my somewhat appearing social life. But I really hate the drama. Especially stupid drama created by friends that makes no sense.

I mean, get over the fact that the certain guy out there doesn't like you and doesn't want to get married. You're SEVENTEEN for goodness sakes! You have your whole life ahead of you to find "Mr. Right." You can't change how this guy feels about his future just because you feel like it. And it is absolutely ridiculous to change every aspect of your personality for him. I am amazed how you became such a huge environmentalist overnight, yet cannot define what a carbon footprint is. Not to mention the fact that all you can talk about around me is how perfect he is. Or how you ditch me at lunch because of him. It really stinks that you haven't been around, and it is all because of a boy. Also, be happy for our friend that has found herself a great guy. Your jealousy is really apparent, and frankly, quite unbecoming. Stop rubbing it in my face that you have already been accepted into however many schools of your choice, whereas I just submitted my first application. I don't want to compete with you. I don't need anymore stress added to my life. Nor do I need your approval for everything I do. I am a big girl...I can make my own decisions. And just because I can't drop my life to come spend time with you when you deem it necessary, don't get mad. You haven't been there when I need you. And that really isn't fair.

So my goal is to transcend the drama--particularly this one. I am going to distance myself from certain people because my life is too hectic right now to have to deal with everyone else's junk at the same time. I deserve the kind of friends that are there to listen when I need them, not just when it is convenient for them. I need people who make me feel like myself, not some wallflower that doesn't really matter. And I am going to embrace those people that truly make me feel whole because they accept me for what I am, not what they want me to be.

And So It Begins--Or Rather, Continues

This is a little update because I know you all have been missing me terribly and are so lost without any insight into what is new with me.

• At my first Speech tournament (which was Saturday), I broke to finals in Drama. I have never broken to finals before in my previous three years of competition (semi-finals, yes; finals, no). I was so excited that I started to shake and couldn't really breathe. I totally had not anticipated going to finals, considering I had not truly had enough time to prepare. Plus, we were having a difficult time deciding if my piece was a Dramatic or a Humorous piece. Well, I guess it is Drama because I placed 5th overall in Drama! This was such a great tournament for us--we sent three to finals in Drama, two teams to finals in Duo, two to finals in Poetry, and our CX team took 3rd place. And on top of all that, I was able to convince P to do a Duo with me, which is SO exciting because the best Duos in my opinion are male/female. I am so excited for this year...it is going to be the best!
• I am really enjoying reading Crime and Punishment.
• Work is going well, and I like all the people I work with.
• College applications are on their way to being done. I have an interview with CC on Thursday, so we'll see how that goes. I am so excited!

Well, I actually am ahead with my homework at this point, and I may actually get to bed at a really reasonable hour. So, that's all for now, folks. Check back later for pictures from my trip to Mexico from a couple of weeks back. Have a great life until then!

Isn't it Ironic?

Check out my horoscope for the day. Easier said than done. But eerily accurate for how my life has been going.

Catching a cloud and pinning it down is never easy, dear Cancer, and unfortunately, that may be what you feel you need to do in order to keep on track with the energy of the day. Your mind is wandering in many different places, making it difficult for you to maintain focus. Meanwhile the cloud floating overhead is filled with information that you feel you need to grab hold of. In reality, what you need to do is learn how to relax.

On a brighter note, I have found my Drama piece for this year. Gold, I say. Gold.

Senior Year: A Prologue

I can't believe senior year is already three weeks over. I knew this year would fly by, but I never imagined that it would happen this fast. I feel that some of my friends are drifting away. I really don't want that to happen...especially this year, before everybody goes their separate ways. But I also find myself growing closer to people I had drifted away from years ago. Can anyone make sense of that? What is it that makes this so possible, growing away from some of the people you are closest to, yet growing towards some people that you thought you lost touch with? It does not make any sense to me. And to top it off, I want to make this year count. I plan on being involved...almost more so than I have been in the past. I just want to make the most of this year. Really live it up. I hope that everything that is already being pans out for the best in the end. All we can do is dream.

Hooray for Pulling an All-Nighter!

Last night was Prom, and I didn't attend the actual dance. Instead, I threw an Anti-Prom party for a bunch of people who were not going or could not go to Prom. It was so much fun! It was the 2nd annual Anti-Prom, and this year's costume themes were...drum roll please...dress up as your favorite famous idol, fictional or otherwise. It was so cool! I was Princess Mia (See post: Make My Life A Teen Novel) from the Princess Dairies books by Meg Cabot. J was Indiana Jones, S was a pirate, A was a flapper, and there were so many others, I can't remember who they all were!

Well, after everyone else left, J, S, A, and I stayed at my house until midnight playing Apples to Apples (I won). Then we headed over to the school for After Prom (12 am-5 am) where we met K. I had the best time! I felt kind of bad because A and S did not seem to be having the best time. I tried to get them involved, but they wouldn't. It wasn't like there was anything else I could have done. Then, K drove me home and I was in bed by 5:15. I slept until 2:30 this afternoon.

I'll update the rest of you guys at school. I have some AP Chem review to do...the test is a week from Tuesday! UGH!

Happy Randomness!

So, Speech Nat Quals are this Friday and Saturday. I am so nervous. I hadn't looked at my piece since State Quals, and I worked on it for the first time since then today. Luckily, I think that working with Mrs. G today made it about 10 times more powerful that it was before. I am pretty excited...it would be so amazing to go to Nationals without going to State. And I have a decent chance...41 entries in Drama, and the majority of those are probably fillers, and sending three to Nationals. I'll let you guys know how I do as soon as I know myself.

Don't you just love how everything hits you in the face right when you least expect it? Such as actually getting an A on an AP Chem test. But then there are those things you know you have to do in the back of your mind that seem to linger there until it is almost too late. Like my HOBY Junior Staff application, which is due Sunday. Or AP tests, which are just a little over a month away. Ahh, how I long to sit back with a good book.

Speaking of good books, I finished The Picture of Dorian Gray the other day. I absolutely LOVE the ending. All of you MUST read it, just so you can see how amazing it truly is. I think Wilde is one of my new favorite authors...now I just have to read some of his plays.

Well, the procrastinating has been fun, but I really must go clean out my backpack now...you would not believe the junk I have accumulated in it. Ta-ta!

Spring Means...

...a lovely week-long break. But that was last week. And I got onto the computer a whooping total of one time. So, to catch you all up...

I was bored, so I made not one, but TWO trips to Barnes and Noble for books. I was super happy because I was in desperate need of reading material...and this time I was hitting the classics. I bought The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, Walden and Civil Disobedience by Henry David Thoreau, The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne, and one not-so-classic, The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. I absolutely adore Dorian Gray. Wilde's writing style is fabulous...I can't quite describe it. I love buying new books. It is so exciting, cracking open the fresh spine and turning the pages. My favorite thing about a new book has to be how it smells, though.

Break consisted of locking myself in my room for two days and cleaning EVERYTHING. And going shopping. I've never gone anywhere for Spring Break. I don't really feel that I am missing anything. I much prefer spending a good amount of time in my bed, catching up on sleep.

The cool thing was, I actually had some of my friends in town, too. So one evening, K and I went and saw Blades of Glory. That was an amazing movie. I loved the humor and the plot. It was just a great movie to escape from the world for a few hours. I highly recommend it.

Well, I better be going. I have some little bits of homework to finish, and I hope to get to sleep at a semi-reasonable hour tonight. So, until next time, have fun!

I Must be Physic...

Last Sunday was a good day. A VERY good day. I took my little sister to Best Buy to stock up on new music. Together we purchased four Cd's.

• Boys Like Girls, Boys Like Girls
• The Format, Dog Problems
• Hellogoodbye, Hellogoodbye [EP]
• Corrine Bailey Ray, Corrine Bailey Ray

All are amazing. I am especially excited about Boys Like Girls. They sound so much like All-American Rejects. But better, if that is possible.

But that isn't the best part. As my sister and I were heading to the checkout line, something struck me. I suddenly veered over to the MP3 player section to look for a case for my Zen Vision:M. Cases are so hard to find for my player! And there it was...the pretty pink leather case that I had been ogling on the Internet. Original price: $32.99. Clearance price: $4.99!!! FIVE DOLLARS! So, I of course bought it. There were two, so B and I each got one. I was so excited!

The problem arose when we got home. I put the case on my player, and it worked wonderfully. B's on the other hand, locked up her player because it was too tight. I told her we'd go get her a new one, but she said she wanted to wait for it to stretch out. Needless to say, I get out of my shower and she tells me that it works perfectly, it only took a little bit to stretch it out. That seemed a little fishy to me. Later, in bed I go to play my music and it won't work...she traded cases while I was in the shower. She left before I got up on Monday, so I told my mom and she told me to go find B's player and trade the cases back. It wasn't in her room. She knew that I would call her on it because I am not stupid, so she took it to school--a direct violation of my mom's rules.

What bothers me the most is that this is not the first thing that has gone "missing" of mine. I have a list of things that have disappeared from my room and have mysteriously been "gifts" to B from her friends. I have realized that I have no privacy. Nothing of mine is safe from her. And when I go to call her on it, she gets mad because I am accusing her of stealing. Well, she is stealing! She is taking my things without asking, and not returning them. I don't know what to do...I've told my mom, and she has talked to B, but B denies it every time. As she is wearing one of MY favorite belts. I can't go through her room--that would make me no better than she is. I am so frustrated right now because I will be looking for something that I need for school or whatever, and I can't find it. I've taken an entire day tearing through my room to find something, and then I see it on B's bed the next day. I am so lost as to what I can do.

So, enough of that rant for now. I am so tired, I think I will go watch SNL now. Hope everybody is having a good weekend!

A Moment to Catch my Breath

Oh my goodness. It has been so long since I last posted. So much has happened! It feels nice to be able to sit down and just write for a few minutes. So, now on to my updates:

1. I am 6th alternate for the state Speech tournament in Drama.
2. I am probably attending State. (Not to compete, but rather to support my other teammates)
3. I am going to the Fall Out Boy concert in May. This has made my year.

I honestly can't think of anything else. I have been so insanely busy, yet I can't seem to think of anything that you don't know.

However, I have new music.

• Lily Allen, Alright, Still
• Fall Out Boy, Infinity on High
• Barenaked Ladies, Are Me, and Are Men
• James Blunt, Back to Bedlam
• The Academy Is..., Almost Here
• and more that I can't seem to recall at the moment.

I highly recommend all of these CDs. Superb. So go find them, buy them, and enjoy!

S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D--Find Out What it Means to Me

ACK! Finals week is probably my least favorite time of the year. Why create all that stress right before Christmas???? Well, it's better than after Winter Break like some schools have it. This is the first time I've actually had to dink around on the computer in the last two weeks. And that is only because I have one final tomorrow, and if I study any more, I may explode. And we don't want Ashley exploding now, do we? I didn't think so.

With school being half-days, I've had a lot of free time--well, sort of. Today I watched a rerun of Oprah when she was talking to Bono about his new (Product)Red campaign. Wow. I am definitely super interested in that. It is a great way for everyday people buying everyday things to change the world. I am truly inspi(red). I feel a field trip to Gap coming on!

And I finally saw the first of my favorite holiday movies today. You know the ones from like the 1970s, the stop-motion ones that are musicals? I totally love those, and yesterday I was thinking to myself that I hadn't seen any so far this year. After Oprah, I was channel-surfing and I stumbled across Santa Claus is Coming to Town. How I love those movies! One of my favorites is the Christmas donkey one. I don't remember the name, but it is so funny!

Well, I've run out of things to say. So, if I don't update soon, happy holidays! Remember, 'tis the season of giving! (and I don't mean finals!)...

PS You should definitely check out Hoops and Yoyo. They are so cute (see picture above)!

My One Year Anniversary

So, I realized late last night that I had been blogging for one year. I can't believe it! Time has passed so quickly. I just glanced over my past blogs, and I realize now how much this blog has helped me over the last year. It has been there for me through interviews, Speech tournaments, frustration over classes, and really happy times. When I have had no one to talk to, I would just come on and shoot of my thoughts into cyberspace. And I really love it. So, happy one year anniversary to me!

Also, some super exciting news. I get to go to my first concert since Cher's first farewell tour. Yeah, I know, that was a very long time ago, I don't need to be reminded. But on Tuesday I get to go see Barenaked Ladies! Woo-hoo! So I bought their new CD today so I can learn their new songs in time for the concert. I can't wait!

Also, today was HOBY day. I had a meeting with the new nominees and told them how beyond incredible HOBY is. I miss it so much....I have to get working on my community service hours so I can turn in my Junior Staffer application by April 15th. Hopefully I'll get to go back.

And the Panic Begins to Set In

So, Saturday is the final novice speech competition. I've worked with all my "mentees," so I think they are all ready. And I get to go judge. Only thing I am starting to worry about is my piece. I have seven characters, and each has a different voice. Most are variations on a British accent, but then there is the one that is giving me the most grief. A male Italian accent. I've been working so hard on it, but I just can't seem to get it. And then there is the issue of memorization. I keep reading over it again and again, but somehow I just haven't been able to memorize it. And that poses the biggest problem of all. Until I memorize it, I can't work on pops, I can't work on pantomime, I can't work on timing. And it has to be good enough for competition by the 4th. Yes, next Saturday. This is the first year I've had doubts about being ready. I think it has to do with having so many novices that I am helping. Once again I am putting others before myself. And right now, I have a lot of work to do...

The Chilling Possibilities of the Future

I just found a new author to go on my favorites list. Scott Westerfeld is amazing. And when I say amazing, I mean truly and utterly remarkable. He wrote a trilogy that includes Uglies, Pretties, and Specials. The Uglies Trilogy examines our society, not as it is now, but what it has the possibilities to become. Okay, it is Sci-Fi, but it is really startling how much he is satirizing and warning us about.

These books take place in the future, only a century or two away from today. While they are still very young, the children of this society are brainwashed into believing that they are all Ugly until they turn sixteen and they have a special surgery to make them Pretties. The Uglies are treated as sub-humans; they have very few rights and are always seen as trouble makers. This is the basis for the story of Tally Youngblood, a girl who has been waiting for her sixteenth birthday all of her life so that she could be pretty and perfect, just like everybody else. Suddenly, however, she meets Shay. Shay despises the practices of the pretty surgery, and intends to run away, bringing Tally with her. And that is only part of the first book.

These books are truly eye-opening. They take the issues we, as a society, are dealing with today and project the possible consequences our actions may have if we don't change soon. Westerfeld attacks anything from war and conflict to self esteem and the "ideal" image that is forced upon us by the media. He even criticizes the idea if "peace" and what it truly means.

I highly recommend these books. While reading them, I kept noticing the cause and effects that we may not have seen before. And, yes, I do realize that they are fiction, but that doesn't mean we have to write them off as totally pointless. As we all know, the main goal of satire is to bring about change...

Arggh You Ready Kids?

So, happy Talk Like a Pirate Day! This has got to be one of the coolest days out of the year, and I forgot about it until I signed into my email today and looked at my homepage, and there it was. I was compelled to send an eCard to all my HOBY group buddies, because we were the pirate group at our conference back in June. I miss HOBY.

One would think that with today being such an awesome obscure holiday, it had to have been a good day. Not so. I am so wiped out, and the only reason I am posting is because I am beyond stressed out and I needed to vent a bit. I technically should be doing some AP Chemistry homework right now, but I can't bring myself to look at it, and instead of surfing my favorite websites, I figured I'd do something slightly more constructive. So here I am. I don't know how else to describe today except for "one of those days." You know the ones I am talking about. Your alarm clock doesn't go off, so you are running late to a before school meeting and therefore forget money for lunch. You stayed up late the night before trying to finish your Trig homework, so you are about ready to fall asleep during 2nd hour as you are watching a quick film. You end up having to stay at the school until 5:30 pm because of some PSAT/SAT seminar you signed up to take, only to come home, rush through a quick dinner, and delve into approximately four to five hours of homework, all the while adding more things to your mental To Do List without ever actually getting to cross anything off. Yeah, I'd say it has been "one of those days."

I just wish I could go back to that weekend in June. HOBY was the best time I have ever had, and I need that pick-me-up from all my groupmates. Plus, cheering at the top of your lungs really helps keep you awake when you are functioning on very little sleep.

ARGHHH!!!!

Ah, The Weekend!

I cannot tell you how long I have been waiting for Saturday morning. Somehow this week just seemed to drag on and on, even though we were only at school for four days. I liked coming to school on Tuesday. Maybe we can get Mondays officially abolished, that way every weekend would be a three-day weekend. But that wouldn't work. Tuesdays would become the new Mondays, and life would get even more complicated than it already is. And if this past week is any indication of what four day weeks would be like, I'll keep my Monday through Friday, thank you very much. This week was exceedingly stressful...I had a cold, I had an AP Chemistry test, I had an interview for Youth Commission, and I had a ton of assignments due, and therefore, I could barely get to sleep each night. Last night I went to the AHS vs DCHS football game. We lost horribly, but that can be expected because DCHS is the defending state champion. It was a ton of fun, though. I came home a collasped on my bed...and slept until 10 am this morning. Now, I am just getting ready to have a bunch of people over to work on the Junior class skit for the Homecoming Talent show. Yup, that's right, Homecoming is just a mere two weeks away. I can't wait.

Junior Year: My Next Frontier

It has begun.

School officially started Thursday. My Junior year. I am now an upper classman. That means I get to sit on the other side of the gym for assemblies. It may not seem like much, but I've been awaiting this day since my first Homecoming assembly as a Freshman. But with this new year comes a lot of responsibility. This is the year that colleges look at. This is it, the year you either make it or break it. My classes are much harder, and in order to balance my time and workload, I had to leave two of my Honors classes due to my two AP classes. For me, it's all about prioritizing this year. I've really begun to focus on what I love and what I want to pursue, and I am working my hardest to make all those dreams of mine become closer to reality. Last year was a real growing and learning year. But, even though I was always so incredibly stressed out, I think in a way it was good for me to experience that. Now I know exactly what I can handle. I know my limits, and when it is possible to push them the slightest bit. I know what is worth it and what is better to not try now, but later. This is my big year, I can feel it. Last year was full of disappointments, but this is the year I am going to work my tail off to make things happen. That's what my HOBY conference in June told me. Just take small steps, and you CAN make big changes. I want to make those changes. I want to be a part of something big...

...and this is the perfect year for me to do just that.

Reflections: What I've Learned

I know it has been so long since I have posted anything--the end of the year is always so crazy and it somehow always manages to sneak up on me when I least expect it. And since it is the end of the year, I have been thinking back on it, just reflecting on everything that has happened. Granted, it hasn't been the best year ever, but I have learned more this year than I ever have before. And it isn't just school-learning. I've learned so much about myself and others.

I've learned that you don't really have a choice in what happens, and sometimes you can do nothing to change it, even if you feel that you must. I've learned the only person you can really trust is yourself...You need to do what is right for you and nobody else. I've learned that you can't keep things bottled up inside of you...you must find a release, let it be writing, music, or whatever. I've learned you need to speak up for yourself and learn to deal with the consequences. I've learned that the more you want something, the more disappointed you will be when you don't get it. I've learned that you can't let disappointments discourage you from making the difference you want to make...It may be a rough road, but it still can be done and you become a better person for still going for it. I've learned that you need to have a few people that you can always talk to...People that will just listen and not judge you for what you say, people who just let you vent or cry on their shoulders. I've learned you need to believe in yourself...By thinking you will do well, you will. I've learned there are some things you just need to get rid of, no matter how much you think you really need them. I've learned that the things that cause you stress are the things you don't need. I've learned that writing and music are my passions. I've learned who my real friends are, and I thank them for always being there for me. I've learned how much it means to others if you sit and let them cry and vent to you. I've learned the importance of sitting around and doing nothing for an afternoon. I've learned to accept what life throws at you but still not to be passive about it either...You need to take charge to help guide you in the right direction.

So many people and events have helped me learn all these things this year. They may not know it--and I may not show it--but they all deserve my thanks and appreciation. Even though it has been a difficult year, it has been the year I have grown the most. Thank you. I don't know what I would have done without your teachings, even if they were inadvertent.

Disappointment is Becoming a Familiar Emotion for Me

So, I haven't posted anything for a while now, and I think that it is time to give you a little update as to what has been going on with me. So, okay, my title isn't the cheeriest thing, but it pretty much sums up the past couple of weeks.

1. I didn't make Link Crew. It may not seem like such a huge deal, but to me it is. I had been looking forward to being a part of Link since 8th grade. True, it seems kinda dorky to be looking forward to something like that for so long, but it was really important to me. All the teachers who wrote me recommendations all said I was a shoe in and there was no way I wasn't going to get in. Well, they were all wrong. And I was stupid to be so cocky about it. I just didn't think it would be possible for me to not get in. But it was, and now I get to wait till senior year to try it all over again.
2. I lost the elections. Yeah, I am not going to be the next Treasurer of the class of 2008. Again, something I have been wanting to do for a long time. Last year I ran for Secretary and lost. I should have known better again. Student Council elections are popularity contests, and I really hate to say that. But it is the truth, so it must be said. So, I will still be on Student Council, but I just wanted to have a bigger role than I have played this year. And if I had held an office this year, I would have definitely ran for an Executive office my senior year. Now I am doubting that. It really stinks.

So, here I am trying to make a difference, but each and every time I just keep getting shot down. It's enough to make me want to give up and just not try anymore. But that isn't me. So I'll just soldier through next year, only being the VP of the Speech and Debate team and doing the HOBY thing in June. I just wanted to do so much more...

Time to listen to my new theme song, "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter...sigh.

A Couple Quick Questions

Why do bad days always travel in groups? I mean, one bad day is bad enough, why do I have to go through three in a row? And I can't seem to make it any better. Have I angered some kind of Bad Day God? What have I done wrong? What did I do to deserve this kind of slow, painful torture? I mean, I have been trying so hard to make it better, but it just seems to keep getting worse and worse. Looking back on the past couple of months, I've had more bad days than good days. Sure, there is the occasional OK day, but I just want to have a GOOD day. Is that too much to ask?

Who Would Have Thought!?!

So Friday and Saturday was the National Qualifying Speech Tournament. I wasn't really as nervous for this one because I didn't think I'd stand a chance, I thought I was going to be eliminated after the first two rounds, like last year. Boy, was I wrong. I made it to Semi-Finals! I was so surprised that I couldn't even talk when I saw that I had one down and one up, that meant I was still in it! These two girls who were incredible were in all three of my rounds, one was from Kent, the other from Creek. They really weren't supposed to do that, but they matched us all up. It turns out I was ranked down and out in the Semi-Finals round, but that was okay to me, I mean, I MADE IT TO SEMI-FINALS!! Oh, and by the way, those two girls I was always up against? Yeah, they are representing our district at Nationals in Dallas in June. They were amazingly funny, but I know that in my second round, I BEAT one of them.

Next, year will be my big year, I can feel it...